Untangling the Web of Relationships: Part 1 Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

Understanding Healthy Relationships

So you may be asking yourself, ‘What is a healthy relationship, and how do I know if I am in one?’

Many of us have never experienced a healthy relationship, or a relationship we thought was healthy turned out to be unhealthy or abusive. 

In the book “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller and Daniel Perlman and the concept of attachment theory, healthy relationships are categorized by several essential qualities that contribute to their strength and longevity.

1. Trust: Trust forms the foundation of a healthy relationship. It involves having confidence in your partner’s reliability, integrity, and intentions.
2. Respect: Mutual respect is essential, encompassing the appreciation of each other’s individuality, boundaries, and opinions.
3. Effective Communication: Open and honest communication is vital for understanding each other’s needs, expressing emotions, and resolving conflicts.
4. Intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy foster a deep connection and vulnerability within the relationships.
5. Friendship: A strong friendship forms the basis of a healthy romantic relationship involving companionship, shared interests, and laughter.
6. Commitment: Both partners are dedicated to the relationship’s growth and well-being, demonstrating loyalty and perseverance.
7. Healthy Conflict Resolution: Constructive conflict resolution involves addressing differences respectfully and seeking mutually beneficial solutions.
8. Flexibility: Being adaptable and open to change contributes to the relationship’s resilience and growth.
9. Enjoyment: Sharing joy, fun, and laughter strengthens the bond between partners.
10. Attachment Security: Drawing from attachment theory. A secure attachment style promotes a sense of safety, closeness, and comfort within the relationship.

If your relationship is struggling in some of these areas, it by no means means you are in an unhealthy relationship. However, these might be areas that need work. 

By integrating these qualities into our relationships, we can cultivate a robust and enduring bond that thrives on trust, respect, communication, and mutual support. These qualities help foster healthy and fulfilling relationships, providing a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of intimate connections.

Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

According to the Gottman Institute, which is known for its extensive research on relationships, unhealthy relationships can be characterized by ongoing negative interactions, which are a red flag that couples(friends and family as well) are edging towards divorce, separation or breakups.  The Gottman Institute also highlights that unhealthy power dynamics in a relationship, particularly in the decision-making, can also lead to resentment and divorce, separation or breakups, highlighting the importance of balance in relationships for overall well-being. 

Further, Gottman’s Method sheds some light on the pursuer-distancer pattern, which can also be a red flag for unhealthy dynamics. This involves one partner pursuing closeness and resolution during conflicts while the other person prefers to distance themselves. Being able to recognize this pattern can help to foster healthier communication and conflict resolution within the relationship. 

“great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.”

― John M. Gottman,

Signs of Unhealthy Relationships.

It is crucial to distinguish between what is a healthy relationship, what is an unhealthy relationship, and what is an abusive relationship. By being able to recognize the signs of unhealthy and abusive relationships, we can take the first steps toward making an informed choice. 

Unhealthy relationships can manifest in many forms, including controlling behaviours, mistrust, disrespect and poor communication. It is important to be aware of these signs to help you protect yourself and your well-being.

Some examples of emotional signs that a relationship may be unhealthy include: 

1. Frequent Disrespect: Unhealthy relationships are often marked by frequent disrespect, where one or both partners consistently undermine the other’s feelings, opinions, or boundaries
2. Lack of Trust: Trust can lead to insecurity and hiding things from your partner. This can create a toxic environment within the relationship.
3. Consistent Negativity: Unhealthy relationships can be characterized by a consistent negative atmosphere, where criticism, pessimism, and hostility prevail, leading to emotional distress.
4. Manipulation: Emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or controlling behaviour, can erode the trust and well-being of one or both partners.
5. Intense Mood Swings: Unpredictable behaviours and frequent ups and downs can create an environment where one feels the need to walk on eggshells around their partner, leading to emotional exhaustion and dissatisfaction.
6. Extreme Jealousy or Insecurity: Feelings of extreme jealousy or insecurity can lead to controlling behaviours, isolation, and emotional distress within the relationship.
7. Explosive Temper: Uncontrollable anger and explosive temper can create an emotionally volatile and unsafe environment within the relationship.
8. Reproductive Control: Reproductive control, such as pressuring a partner to get pregnant or controlling decisions about pregnancy and parenting, can be a form of emotional abuse and control.

How Can Therapy Help?

Therapy can play a crucial role in healing from an unhealthy relationship by providing individuals with the support, guidance, and tools needed to break free from unhealthy relationship cycles and foster emotional well-being. Below are some ways that therapy can aid in the healing process.

• Self-Discovery and Growth: Therapy allows individuals to explore their values, needs, and beliefs, fostering self-discovery and personal growth.
• Identifying Unhealthy Attachment Styles: A mental health professional can help individuals identify their attachment style, providing insight into how their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours may impact their relationships.
• Improving Communication: Through therapy, individuals can develop and practice effective communication skills, which are essential for addressing challenges within relationships and creating a safe and supportive environment.
• Breaking Free from Toxic Cycles: Therapy empowers individuals to become aware of and be held accountable for their relationship patterns, allowing them to break free from hurtful cycles that may be rooted in past trauma.
• Recovering from Emotional Distress: Seeking help from a mental health professional can aid in recovering from the emotional distress caused by a toxic relationship, ultimately improving mental well-being and reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

“A healthy relationship is a feast of affection/giving for both people; not one receiving crumbs and trying to convince themselves it’s enough.”

– Shannon Thomas

By engaging in therapy, individuals can embark on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and personal growth, ultimately paving the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

References

BetterHelp Editorial Team. (2024, January 31). Top 10 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships | BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/top-10-characteristics-of-healthy-relationships/

Casabianca, S. S. (2022, April 18). Have an unhealthy attachment to your partner? Healing is possible. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/healing-unhealthy-relationship-attachments

Commonwealth of Massachusetts. (n.d.-a). What does an unhealthy relationship look like? Mass.gov. https://www.mass.gov/info-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships

Commonwealth of Massachusetts. (n.d.-b). What does an unhealthy relationship look like? Mass.gov. https://www.mass.gov/info-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships

Gautam, S. (2023, July 22). Healthy Relationships vs Unhealthy: 6 Ways How Your Relationships Affect Your Health – Written By Shweta. Written By Shweta. https://writtenbyshweta.com/healthy-relationships-vs-unhealthy/

Horsmon, S., & Horsmon, S. (2021, February 3). How to avoid the Pursuer-Distancer pattern in your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-avoid-the-pursuer-distancer-pattern-in-your-relationship/

MSEd, K. C. (2023, November 9). Signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and what to do. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-that-youre-in-an-unhealthy-relationship-5218237

Unhealthy relationships. (n.d.). Planned Parenthood. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy

Viezzer, S. (2023, December 7). What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

What does a healthy relationship look like? (n.d.). The State of New York. https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look

Don’t forget to check out Part 2 of this Mini-Series. Untangling the Web of Relationships: Part 2 Resentment