I probably don’t need to reiterate this, but relationships are complex and often challenging to navigate on a good day. An insecure attachment style can significantly impact relationships, making that complexity and challenge even more apparent. This leads to difficulties in making deep emotional connections, fear of abandonment, struggles with emotional regulation, depression, and low self-worth. In this part of the mini-series, we will explore the three main types of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, how they may impact you and your relationship, and how speaking with a therapist may be able to help.
Understanding The Different Attachments
Our attachment style plays a vital role in our relationships. Have you asked yourself why you keep repeating behaviours or notice an unhelpful pattern in your relationships, even with different partners?
In the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller the authors explore three main styles of insecure attachment: Anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness. Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with intimacy and a need for independence, often pushing people away. Disorganized attachment combines traits of anxious and avoidant styles, leading to unpredictable behaviours in relationships.
Signs of Insecure Attachment Styles
| Anxious Attachment | Avoidant Attachment | Disorganized |
| Clingy tendencies Highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived) Needing approval from others Jealous tendencies Difficulty being alone Low self-esteem Feeling unworthy of love Intense fear of rejection Significant fear of abandonment Difficulty trusting others | Avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy A strong sense of independence Difficulty expressing feelings Dismissive of others Hard time trusting people Feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you Spend more time alone than interacting with others Believe you don’t need others in your life “Commitment Issues“ | Fear of rejection Difficulty in regulating emotions Contradictory behaviors High levels of anxiety Difficulty trusting others Signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles |
Each attachment style affects relationships differently. While someone with an Anxious attachment style may have a deep desire for closeness and excessive reassurance. Someone who is avoidant often struggles with emotional intimacy and tends to push people away. Alternatively, someone with a disorganized attachment style is a bit more confusing. Both pushing people away and, at the same time, desiring closeness.
Effects of Insecure Attachment on Relationships
Whatever category of attachment style you find yourself in, insecure attachment takes an emotional toll on both partners. Those with anxious attachment often will experience heightened levels of anxiety, fear of abandonment and low sense of self-worth. Individuals with avoidant attachment struggle with intimacy, suppress their emotions and find it hard to ask for help. All of which lead to misunderstanding, conflict and a lack of fulfillment in relationships.
The Cycle of Behaviour
all three create a cycle of negative behaviours. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style who is excessively clingy and demanding reassurance and attention may overwhelm their partners and cause them to withdraw. This in turn feeds into their anxiety and anxious behaviours. Someone who has an avoidant attachment style alternative may be reluctant to let people get too close, which can lead their partners to pursue them, which also reinforces their avoidant behaviours Those with disorganized attachment tend to be a bit more unpredictable and contradictory in their actions which makes their partners confused and distressed.
These behaviours lead to a lack of trust, difficulty forming and maintaining intimacy, frequent misunderstandings, and emotional instability. The cycle of seeking reassurance, distancing, and unpredictable behaviours can create a persistent pattern of instability and emotional distress, making it challenging to build a healthy and secure relationship.
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Therapy in Healing Insecure Attachment
If you want to achieve a positive outcome in your relationship and no longer repeat patterns of unhealthy behaviour caused by your attachment style, attending therapy may help. By learning to regulate your emotions better, improving communication skills, increasing your sense of self-worth and building trust in others, you may see a shift in your attachment style.
Practical Tips for Developing Secure Attachment Patterns
Attachments often develop early in life and remain stable throughout our lives. However, this doesn’t mean they can not change to a more secure form of attachment. In order to make this chance you may need to develop or improve your self-awareness and an understanding of what that negative pattern of behaviour looks like and implement ways to resolve attachment issues.
Remember you’re not alone in this journey; By attending therapy you can:
- Learn About Your Attachment Style: Understanding your attachment style is the first step. Identify the associated thoughts and behaviours to work towards a secure attachment.
- Increase Emotional Awareness: Managing and expressing emotions effectively enhances empathy and fosters secure attachments.
- Learn to Communicate Openly and Listen Empathetically: Express hopes, fears, and concerns respectfully. Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact and nodding, is equally important.
- Act Opposite to Your Anxious or Avoidant Style: Challenge your attachment style by taking small steps towards independence or intimacy, depending on your specific pattern.
- Minimize Stressors: Commit to self-care, address conflicts early, and engage in calming activities to reduce stress and its impact on attachment issues.
Fostering Trust, Intimacy, and Healthy Communication
In addition to learning more about yourself and the cycle of patterns therapy can help with providing practical strategies that can help foster healthier relationships.
You will be able to learn things such as:
- Setting Aside Regular Time for Reflection: Reflect on how you and your partner can help each other feel respected, understood, and loved to deepen intimacy.
- What Healthy Relationships Look Like: Surround yourself with individuals in healthy relationships to learn from their behaviours and set appropriate boundaries in your partnerships.
- How to Minimize Stressors: Commit to self-care, address conflicts early, and engage in calming activities to reduce stress and its impact on attachment issues.
- Increasing Emotional Awareness: Managing and expressing emotions effectively enhances empathy and fosters secure attachments.
- How to Communicate Openly and Listen Empathetically: Express hopes, fears, and concerns respectfully. Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact and nodding, is equally important.
Therapy can be an effective tool in addressing and healing insecure attachment by providing a supportive and compassionate environment to explore and understand your attachment patterns. Attachment-based therapy aims to build or rebuild a trusting relationship. and hopes to prevent and/or treat mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.
Individuals learn to develop a secure attachment style by addressing past traumas, promoting self-compassion, and enhancing communication skills, ultimately leading to a more secure and stable sense of self and improved interpersonal connections