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The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

Signs You May Need Healthy Boundaries

Do you struggle with setting healthy boundaries? How often do you find yourself feeling anxious about all the things you need to do? Does it feel like so many things are competing for your attention, like family obligations, social events, work or school deadlines, chores, community events and, of course, looking after your self-care? Before the day starts, are you exhausted thinking about everything you need to do? Do you find yourself feeling resentful? Like you’ve been mistreated, and you’re rejecting or pushing your needs, wants and desires to the back burner. Is it a struggle for you to just say  “no”?

If some of these are true, you might struggle with boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is often the solution to feeling less overwhelmed and overburdened.

man near carton boxes with many different words about stress
On a scale from 1(very easy) to 10 (very difficult), how difficult is it for you to say no?

What are Healthy Boundaries?

Since many of us weren’t taught healthy boundaries as children, teens or young adults, let’s start with what boundaries are. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and other people. Ultimately, boundaries may differ from one individual to the next and may be impacted by culture, personality, and social construct. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. Boundaries can even differ by situation; boundaries you have at work may not apply when enjoying a night out with friends. 

It is our way of protecting our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Boundaries help us establish a sense of control over our lives and help us communicate our needs and values assertively and transparently. In doing so, we can establish trust and safety in our relationships. It is a way of telling ourselves and others, “This is the line between what is okay for me and what is not. This is the line I won’t cross”. We set boundaries to show love and respect for ourselves, and they keep us safe and healthy and ensure that our lives run smoothly.

The Different Types of Boundaries. 

Those who have rigid boundaries tend to appear highly inflexible, unyielding and absolute. There tends to be a struggle with feeling disconnected and isolated from others. Individuals with rigid boundaries try to avoid situations or people in case they cause discomfort or conflict. 

Porous boundaries are characterized by being too open and unrestrictive. Those with porous boundaries tend to have a higher dependency on others and struggle with feelings of burnout, anxiety and the need to please others. Porous Boundaries can result in oversharing and overinvolvement with others and can make it difficult to distinguish one’s emotions from another person’s. 

Someone with healthy boundaries is able to say “no” when they need to without feeling shame or guilt. They have higher self-esteem and are confident and assertive. They are comfortable letting people in and opening themselves up in intimate and close relationships. 

Traits of Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries
Rigid Boundaries
  • Avoiding others or situations because of perceived discomfort or conflict.
  • Being highly inflexible or unyielding. 
  • Feels isolated and disconnected from other people. 
  • Highly critical of self and others. 
  • Highly defensive of criticism 
  • Struggles with vulnerability and intimacy.
Porous Boundaries
  • Difficulty saying ‘no’ to others. 
  • Trouble speaking up for their wants and desires in the hope of not disappointing others. 
  • Sacrifices their own needs to make others happy 
  • Emotional when faced with criticism
  • Enmeshed in the endeavours of others. 
  • Mutual oversharing of information and burdens 
  • Regretting overinvolvement with others 
  • Often feeling manipulated by others.
Healthy Boundaries
  • Selective about who they let in and keep out 
  • Takes time to build trust with others. 
  • Shares personal information when appropriate. 
  • Says “no” when needed 
  • Supports others without being too involved 
  • Values both other’s opinions and their own. 
  • Accepts conflict as a normal part of life. 
  • Stand by personal values but can also adapt if needed 
  • Communicates assertively.

What type of boundaries do you tend to have?

Most people tend to have a mix of these boundaries. Someone could have healthy boundaries at work, porous boundaries in relationships and and mix of all three with family. When you recognize what type of boundaries you have, whether you experience rigid or porous boundaries, you can take steps to establish healthier limits within your relationships. Therapy can help you address any underlying concerns that may be contributing to issues with boundaries. 

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries for Mental Health

“Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else.”

Nedra Glover Tawwab,

In her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” Nedra Glover  Tawwab explores the importance of setting healthy boundaries For mental health and wellbeing.  Arguing that healthy boundaries help us establish a sense of self and ensure we are acting in accordance with our values and beliefs. They can also protect us from harm and draining situations. By setting and maintaining our boundaries, we experience the freedom and joy of being our true selves and thoroughly enjoy rewarding relationships with family, friends and partners. All of which can positively impact our mental health and overall well-being.   

Through emotional energy conservation, it helps us to be fully present and in the moment with what is important to us. Knowing our boundaries equips us to communicate our needs, set appropriate limits and protect ourselves from situations which might be harmful or draining. 

Boundaries also help us build our self-esteem and independence. This is done by being clear on who you are, what you ant, and your values and beliefs. By taking ownership of your boundaries, you can increase your sense of control, empowerment and self-esteem. Which also leads to feeling more independent and self-assured. 

To foster healthy relationships, boundaries help us to build trust, safety and respect. When we have clear boundaries, the people we want in our lives, those who respect us, understand our limits and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Healthy boundaries also help us avoid burnout and gain a stronger identity. 

By prioritizing self-care and self-respect, we can be more present with those important to us because we feel comfortable and safe. Healthy boundaries also help us limit feelings of unhappiness, resentment and insecurity in relationships, feeling taken advantage of and/or losing a sense of identity. 

Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

That was all well and good. The real question is, how do we set and maintain boundaries, especially when it feels uncomfortable like you are letting people down?

“Discomfort is a part of the process.”

Nedra Glover Tawwab,

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can be challenging, that’s for sure especially when it involves family or close friends.  In the book “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships” Tawwab offers some practical strategies for dealing with toxic family dynamics and ways to successfully disconnect from that person if/when you choose to. Such as……

Tawwabs other book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” she presents some simple yet powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in many areas of your life. There is an emphasis on identifying your needs and clearly expressing them in a way that is without apology.  Suggesting that we can say “no” when we need to be assertive without offending others. 

In the book “How To Do The Work” Dr. Nicole LePera shares with the reader that self-awareness is essential when setting and maintaining boundaries. Suggesting that we pay attention to our emotions and physical sensations to identify when our boundaries are crossed. 

Tips on Identifying Your Boundaries

Identifying your boundaries can be challenging. However, it is an essential step in setting and maintaining healthy relationships. Working with a therapist can help you to learn to tune into your emotions, ask you questions, observe others’ boundaries, practice self-awareness and understand what your own values and needs are, which are essential in understanding what healthy boundaries look like for you. Healthy boundaries are not set in stone; they can be adjusted as circumstances and relationships change and grow.

Here are some tips you can do now to help you identify your boundaries. 

  1. Tuning into your emotions is one of the strongest ways to understand your boundaries. Pay attention to how to feel in different situations, for example when someone criticizes you or when you feel uncomfortable with physical contact. Emotions can help you distinguish what is okay and what isn’t. 
  2. Ask questions to understand your personal boundaries. Questions such as “What makes me feel uncomfortable?” or “What are my deal-breakers in relationships?” identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is one of the first steps in developing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. 
  3. Observing other people’s boundaries can give you an example of boundaries you might like to set. Talking with friends who have boundaries you admire or who have different boundaries can help know what boundaries might work for you. But remember not to compare yourself. We are all on different journeys. 
  4. Practicing self-awareness is another key factor in understanding your boundaries. Try paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations and be honest. The more honest you are with yourself, your boundaries will be clearer. 
  5. Understanding your values and needs can help you get a sense of your personal boundaries. By understanding your core values and needs, you can create boundaries based on what is central to you and how you need to be treated by those most important to you.

The Role of Therapy in Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Knowing that setting and maintaining your boundaries can be difficult to do independently. Therapy can be a helpful tool for those who struggle to understand, set and maintain healthy boundaries.  

  1. Working with a therapist can help you identify your needs and values, essential in developing healthy boundaries. Understanding your needs and values allows you to establish boundaries aligning with your goals. 
  2. Therapy can also help you develop assertiveness skills for communicating your boundaries. Therapists can help you communicate your needs and boundaries clearly, confidently and with limited shame or guilt, such as “I feel ___ when ____” or “I need ____ from you right now.” 
  3. Therapists can help you explore any concerns contributing to boundary issues, such as low self-esteem, anxiety or trauma. By addressing these concerns, you can develop more confidence and self-awareness needed to set healthy boundaries.
  4. Therapy also provides support and guidance as you navigate challenges when setting boundaries with family members or in workplaces. Therapists can offer practical strategies and tools for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries as well as provide validation and emotional support.

It’s Okay to Reach Out.

If you have trouble saying no, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries or need help, contact a mental health professional. Navigating boundaries alone can be challenging, especially if you struggle with mental health or have people who consistently cross boundaries.

References

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The Importance of Sleep Hygiene: Tips for a Better Night’s Rest

A tabby cat sleeping on an

“Sleep is the most important thing we can do to reset our brain and body health each day.”

-Matthew Walker: Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams.

Do you find it difficult to get enough sleep? let’s look at the importance of sleep hygiene and explore some tips for a better night’s rest.

Not Getting Enough Sleep?

Mental health and sleep are intertwined. Think of it like playing Jenga; sleep is one of the bottom three blocks. Typically, they are the ones you don’t want to move if you want to make sure the Jenga blocks don’t come crashing down.

Many mental health concerns can be associated with having a night of poor sleep. Sleep and lack thereof can be influential in forming and maintaining mental health concerns.

When you don’t sleep well or not enough, it can harm both your mental and physical health.

Insomnia and difficulty falling or staying asleep are some of the most common sleep disturbances. Research has shown that individuals who get less than 7 hours of sleep each night are more likely to be obese, active smokers, have heart disease, asthma, depression, physically inactive and have other physical illnesses and mental health concerns.

Getting enough sleep is essential for both our physical and mental health. Research has shown that sleep can play a role in helping us cope with stress and improve our overall well-being (Ickes et al., 2015; Wickham et al., 2020).

Depression, anxiety, and interpersonal conflicts often arise in individuals who struggle with inadequate or excessive sleep. Less than 8 hours or more than 12 hours of sleep can negatively impact mental health. Interestingly, research suggests that those who get around 9.7 hours of sleep per night tend to experience lower depressive symptoms (Wickham et al., 2020). It’s important to remember that using sleep as an escape mechanism is not productive. Instead, focusing on regularly getting the right amount of sleep for your age can have a positive impact on your overall health and well-being.

How Much Sleep is Enough Sleep?

It’s widely recognized that getting a good night’s rest is crucial for our overall well-being. It plays a vital role in supporting our mental and physical health. However, it’s unfortunate that many people, including adults and young individuals, do not currently enjoy sufficient sleep. Let’s emphasize the importance of prioritizing adequate rest and promoting healthy sleep habits for optimal vitality and wellness.

The Sleep Foundation recommends that adults between the ages of 18-64 get 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. Children need 9-11 hours, while teens need 8-10 hours. Sufficient sleep is essential for both mental and physical well-being. Understanding the recommended sleep duration is important, but it’s also crucial to consider individual needs, such as activity level and overall health, and follow some of the healthy sleep tips for optimal sleep quality further down.

What Exactly is Sleep Hygiene?

“Sleep is essential for physical and mental well-being, with various functions that contribute to overall health.”

– Sleep Foundation
planner and eyeglasses placed on table near anonymous woman and dog sleeping on sofa

Incredibly enough, maintaining good sleep hygiene is surprisingly straightforward. Just like a soothing bedtime ritual for youngsters and teens, sleep hygiene involves adopting healthy habits and creating a sleep-friendly environment. These simple yet effective strategies can lead to higher-quality sleep and contribute to overall well-being. The best part is, practicing sleep hygiene poses minimal risks and doesn’t require hefty investments, making it accessible and beneficial for many individuals.

Take some time to reflect: What is your sleep hygiene strategy? Is it working to make sure you’re getting a good night’s sleep?

Why is Sleep Hygiene Important?

Unsurprisingly, poor sleep hygiene can lead to poor sleep quality. How do you know that you’re struggling with sleep hygiene? It could be evident if you notice you are having trouble falling asleep at night or falling asleep at inappropriate times (While watching a movie, driving, or out with friends). It can also be evident if you wake up for long periods of time throughout the night or wake up after getting a full night’s sleep and still feel tired.

Here is something to reflect on: How tired are you during the week, around 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm in the afternoon? Do you need an afternoon coffee to keep yourself going?

Lacking in quality sleep can affect your mood, making you feel unhappy, anxious, and ‘crappy”. But lack of quality sleep doesn’t stop there. It can interfere with memory, affect concentration, and make you more impulsive. It can cause your brain to feel impaired and affect your judgment, like when you’re drunk. Poor sleep quality can even increase your blood pressure, lead to weight gain, increase your chances of depression, and cause you to get sick more often, affecting your immune system.

What Effects Getting a Better Night’s Rest?

Some factors that can affect the quality of sleep include nighttime activity, and conditions before bed, and during sleep. Schedule irregularities, intense exercise before sleep, consumption of caffeine, cannabis, tobacco and alcohol, as well as using the bedroom for activities such as working, eating, watching TV or streaming services, have been associated with poor sleep.

It’s important to take care of your sleep by incorporating certain practices into your daily routine, this helps to foster a better night’s rest. Engaging in intense exercises earlier in the day or opting for lighter exercises before bedtime can help create a better environment for sleep. Modifying light exposure, making certain lifestyle adjustments such as limiting alcohol or cannabis use, and reducing factors that can heighten arousal like managing stress and cutting back on caffeine, can all contribute to a more restful night’s sleep. Additionally, incorporating relaxation techniques such as meditation, muscle relaxation, and mental imagery can be beneficial in managing stress.

Remember! Prioritizing self-care and establishing healthy sleep habits can positively impact your overall well-being. Don’t underestimate the power of taking care of yourself and getting a better night’s rest!

How to Create a Better Night’s Rest

Sleep hygiene aims to put you in a position to get a better night’s rest. Creating a sleep schedule which includes a pre-bedtime routine and daily routine, helps make getting the needed quality and quantity of sleep feel more automatic. Below are a few tips from the National Sleep Foundation and the Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute that can help you create a routine and start to get a better night’s rest.

  • Having a predictable and constant schedule. No matter the day, it is good to have and wake up and go to bed consistently every day. Constantly fluctuating makes it more challenging to get into a constant sleep routine.
  • Sleep only when tired, and try to limit naps. While they can be helpful to regain energy during the day, they can make it difficult to sleep at night. If a nap is needed, try to take a short nap earlier or in the afternoon.
  • 90 minutes before bed lowers the amount of light/daylight you get. While getting some sunlight throughout the day can help your circadian rhythm, which encourages quality sleep, having too much light when trying to sleep can make it harder to fall asleep.
  • Use the bedroom for bedroom activities only (this means no watching tv, eating or having meetings in the bedroom etc.) This helps your mind link that being in bed means it’s time to sleep.
  • Avoid eating right before bed unless it’s a light snack and limit alcohol and cannabis use before bed. While alcohol and cannabis might help you to fall asleep, the effects wear off and can disrupt your sleep later in the night. It can also affect the quality of sleep you are getting.
  • Limit caffeine and Smoking. Both of these are stimulants. They can keep you wired when you want to rest, and smoking can disrupt your sleep and has been linked to many sleep concerns.

These are not rigid requirements; you can adapt them to fit your needs and create your own sleep hygiene routine to get the best sleep possible. If you want more tips on developing a good sleep hygiene routine, check out the Sleep Foundation’s website.

Tips for a Better Night’s Rest

alone bed bedroom blur

“Sleep is vital to good health. A decent night’s rest can make a positive impact on your entire day, so it’s no surprise that people often feel so fondly about it.”

-Unknown
Exposure to Sunlight
  1. Just like plants, humans need sun and water to flourish.
    • Try to get a minimum of 15 mins of yellow spectrum lights daily (sunlight). This will improve our sleep and help with our body clock, also known as the circadian rhythm.
    • The sunset provides yellow spectrum light. This helps our body realize it’s time to get ready for bed. Setting a light filter on your phones and computers is a good idea. The blue lights they emit help to keep us awake. It’s best to attempt to put tech away 1-1.5 hours before bed if possible.
Deep Breathing
  • Deep breathing helps to signal the brain that “I am calm, I am relaxed and ready to sleep.”
    • Deep breathing: Deep breath through the nose for 5 seconds – Hold for 5 seconds, then exhale through the mouth for 5 seconds. Try this at least five times.
    • 4-7-8 Breathing: in through the nose for 4 seconds – Hold for 7 -exhale through the mouth for 8 seconds a few minutes before bed. Increase as you get more comfortable.
Negativity
  • What you tell yourself throughout the day is what you will get back at night.
    • Try to be kind to yourself during the day.
    • Try to think about positive/happy things before bed.
Cycling Thoughts

If something didn’t bother you during the day, it isn’t worth troubling yourself over at night. By letting go of negative thoughts, you pave the way for peaceful and restful sleep. Instead of spiralling, focus on fostering positivity and tranquillity within yourself. This will help you optimize your sleep and wake up refreshed for a brand-new day.

  • Try these exercises if you struggle to let go of your negative thoughts.
    • To help combat spiralling or anxious thoughts, try journaling or writing those thoughts down.
    • The Alphabet game. This game helps keep your mind from focusing on ruminations or negative thoughts. Pick a category, for example, animals and try to come up with an animal for every letter of the alphabet,. A-aardvark, B-baboon, C-Cat D-Dog…
    • Focusing on relaxation techniques.
      • Breathing exercises like the ones listed above can help you to relax by using your body’s natural relaxation response.
      • Visualization exercises like a body scan are another way to enlist your body’s natural relaxation response. It uses mental imagery to care for a sense of well-being within the body and helps reduce stress, making it easier to fall asleep.

Take care of yourself and prioritize your rest.

References

Brick, C. A., Seely, D. L., & Palermo, T. M. (2010). Association Between Sleep Hygiene and Sleep Quality in Medical Students. Behavioral Sleep Medicine, 8(2), 113–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/15402001003622925

Cherry, K. (2020). What Impact Does Sleep Have on Mental Health? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-sleep-affects-mental-health-4783067

Dow, G. [Georgia Dow]. (2021, February 18). 5 Tips for YOU to Get Better Sleep! [Video]. YouTube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYoqKONHnCs&list=PL3I0HsOf9M_Q9Qfqu5RgBYJlyABce-yLS

Hirshkowitz, M., Whiton, K., Albert, S. M., Alessi, C., Bruni, O., DonCarlos, L., Hazen, N., Herman, J., Katz, E. S., Kheirandish-Gozal, L., Neubauer, D. N., O’Donnell, A. E., Ohayon, M., Peever, J., Rawding, R., Sachdeva, R. C., Setters, B., Vitiello, M. V., Ware, J. C., & Adams Hillard, P. J. (2015). National Sleep Foundation’s sleep time duration recommendations: methodology and results summary. Sleep Health, 1(1), 40–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2014.12.010

Ickes, M. J., Brown, J., Reeves, B., & Zephyr, P. M. D. (2015). Differences between Undergraduate and Graduate Students in Stress and Coping Strategies. Californian Journal of Health Promotion, 13(1), 13–25. https://doi.org/10.32398/cjhp.v13i1.1810

Jerath, R., Beveridge, C., & Barnes, V. A. (2019). Self-Regulation of Breathing as an Adjunctive Treatment of Insomnia. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 9. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00780

Koop Harder, J. (2022). Depression Practical Intervention Strategies [Slides]. Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI). https://ca.ctrinstitute.com/product/depression-practical-intervention-strategies-webinar/

Krob, A. (2011). Fix Your Sleep Hygiene: 14 tips for getting better sleep. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/prefrontal-nudity/201112/fix-your-sleep-hygiene

Sleep Foundation. (2022, July 13). Sleep Foundation | Better Sleep for a Better You. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/

Wickham, S. R., Amarasekara, N. A., Bartonicek, A., & Conner, T. S. (2020). The Big Three Health Behaviors and Mental Health and Well-Being Among Young Adults: A Cross-Sectional Investigation of Sleep, Exercise, and Diet. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.579205

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