Battling the May Blues: A Guide to Mental Health Support

As the days grow longer and the weather starts to warm, many of us eagerly await spring’s arrival. However, for some, the transition into May can bring about a unique set of challenges—the “May blues.” This phenomenon, often overlooked, can manifest as subtle changes in mood, energy levels, and overall well-being.

The May blues can be attributed to various factors, from the lingering effect of the winter season to the heightening expectations and demands often accompanying this time of year. As the world around us begins to burst into vibrating colour, it can be easy to feel disconnected if our internal landscape doesn’t quite match the external one. 

Addressing mental health during this period is of the utmost importance. The May blues can profoundly impact daily life, affecting relationships, productivity, and overall quality of life. Understanding the root causes and equipping ourselves with effective coping strategies, we can navigate this transitional period with greater ease and resilience. 

This month’s blog post will explore a range of practical tips and techniques to help you with May blues. From mindfulness practices to social connection, we will delve into a comprehensive guide that will help support your mental well-being and ensure that you can fully embrace the beauty and promise of the spring season. 

What are the May Blues?

This may be your first time reading the term “May blues.” This term describes a common phenomenon experienced by many individuals during the transition from spring to summer, referring to the seasonal melancholy or malaise. Unlike the well-known “winter blues” or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), the May blues are more subtle yet impactful, with mood and mental well-being shifts. 

The May blues can be attributed to various environmental and psychological factors. As the seasons change, our bodies and minds must adapt to fluctuations in daylight, temperatures, and routine.  Some key factors that contribute to the May blues include: 

  1. Increased stress and obligations: May often brings a surge in social and professional responsibilities, such as end-of-school-year events and graduations, and the anticipation of heightened stress, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. 
  2. Disruptions in routine and adaptation: As the seasons change, people must adapt to fluctuations in daylight, temperature and daily routines. This can lead to disruptions in sleeping patterns, changes in energy levels, and a sense of disorientation. 
  3. Burnout and adjustment difficulties: For some, the May blues can result from burnout, particularly for those university students or new employees who have endured months of intense preparations and are now struggling to adjust to their new environments. 
  4. Lingering effects of winter: The May blues can also be influenced by the lingering effects of the winter season, which have affected mental health and well-being. 
  5. Hormonal and biological factors: The transitional in seasons can also trigger hormonal changes and disruptions to the circadian rhythms, contributing to the May blues.  

It’s important to recognize that the May blues are a shared experience and that seeking support and implementing effective coping strategies can help mitigate the negative effects. By understanding the underlying factors and their impact, we can take proactive steps to maintain our mental well-being during this transitional period.

May blues can significantly impact your mental health and overall well-being. Some symptoms you may notice include mood swings, irritability, fatigue, difficulty concentrating and a general sense of dissatisfaction or malaise. These emotional and cognitive changes can, in turn, affect our relationships, productivity, and ability to engage in daily activities fully. 

Behavioural Changes Emotional Symptoms Physical Symptoms 
Increased irritability or recklessness 
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions 
Lack of motivation or decreased interest in activities 
Sadness, depressed mood or empty feeling 
Anxiety or feelings of being overwhelmed 
Mood Swings or labile mood 
Fatigue or loss of energy 
Disruptions in sleep patterns
Insomnia or excessive sleeping Changes in appetite or weight 

May blues can include a combination of these behavioural, emotional, and physical symptoms, though they are often transient and self-limited. They develop within a few days of the transition to May and resolve within a couple of weeks. However, if your symptoms worsen or persist, it may be an indicator of a more serious underlying medical condition, such as clinical depression. 

As we transition into May, we can face a unique set of challenges. It’s essential to have a toolbox of effective coping strategies to help navigate this period. By prioritizing self-care, seeking professional support, and fostering meaningful relationships and connections, we can mitigate the impact of the May blues and maintain our overall well-being. 

One of the most important steps in combating any form of depression, including winter and May blues, is to prioritize self-care. This can include regular exercise, such as taking daily walks or trying a new physical activity. Maintaining a balanced and nutritious diet can help support our mental health during difficult times. Additionally, incorporating relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing helps alleviate stress and promote a sense of calm.

Building a strong support system can be a powerful antidote to May blues. Prioritizing quality time with friends and family, whether through in-person gatherings or virtual connections, can help to alleviate feelings of isolation and provide a sense of belonging. Engaging in shared activities or having open conversations about your experiences can foster community and emotional support. 

If the May blues are proving to be especially difficult or challenging, it may be beneficial to seek professional support. Reaching out to a therapist or counsellor can provide a safe and supportive space to explore the underlying causes of your emotional experiences and develop personalized coping strategies. Mental health professionals can offer guidance, tools, and resources to help you navigate this transitional period more easily. 

By incorporating these coping strategies into your daily life, you can empower yourself to overcome the May blues and embrace the spring season’s beauty, refreshingness and joy. 

As we begin the transition into the month of May, we may be presented with a unique set of challenges. It’s not uncommon to experience higher levels of stress and anxiety. With increased social and professional demands, coupled with the disruption in our routine and the lingering effects of winter, it makes sense that we experience the perfect storm of emotional and psychological turmoil. However, by incorporating some effective stress management tools and cognitive-behavioural strategies, we can start to navigate the transition with a greater sense of ease and resilience. 

One of the most powerful tools in our toolbox for combating things like the May blues is mindfulness. By cultivating awareness of the present moment and focusing on our breathing, we can interrupt the cycle of rumination, swirling thoughts, and worry that we experience this time of year.  

Deep Breathing 

Engaging in deep breathing exercises, such as the 4-7-8 method, can activate our parasympathetic nervous system and promote a sense of calm and relaxation. 

Physical activity 

Incorporating physical activity into our daily routines can also be a powerful stress-relieving tool. Whether it is a brisk walk, hike, yoga session, or dance class, moving helps our body release pent-up tension and boosts our overall mood and well-being. 

Addressing the anxious thoughts that often accompany the May blues is another crucial aspect of managing our mental health during this time. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly helpful in reframing negative thought patterns and developing more adaptive coping mechanisms.

By challenging the validity of our anxious thoughts and replacing them with more realistic and empowering perspectives, we can reduce the intensity of our emotional experiences and regain control. Practicing thought-stopping techniques such as mindful self-talk or cognitive restructuring can be valuable tools. If you need help with how to do this independently, reach out to a therapist to help guide you. 

It can also be important to set healthy boundaries and practice self-compassion. Saying “no” to overwhelming or draining commitments can help preserve our energy and prevent burnout. Additionally, being kind and understanding to ourselves, rather than engaging in self-criticism, can foster a sense of resilience and self-acceptance. 

By incorporating some of these management techniques, CBT strategies, and self-care practices, we can empower ourselves to overcome the challenges that May may bring and emerge with a renewed sense of well-being and balance. 

When our emotions and energy levels feel unpredictable, establishing a consistent routine can be a powerful tool in maintaining our mental health and well-being. Creating a daily schedule and sticking to a constant routine can help manage the May blues in the following ways: 

  1. Establishes a sense of grounding: Anchoring the day with consistent activities, like a morning meditation or an evening skincare routine, can provide a sense of grounding and stability during this transitional period.
  2. Incorporates self-care activities: By intentionally scheduling self-care practices, such as exercise, healthy meals, and relaxation techniques, into a daily routine, individuals can ensure they are prioritizing their mental and physical well-being.
  3. Provides a sense of stability and control: During the May blues, when emotions and energy levels can feel unpredictable, a daily routine can offer a sense of structure, predictability and control, which can help alleviate feelings of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm.
    1. Maintains healthy habits: A structured routine can support the maintenance of healthy habits, such as regular sleep patterns and consistent mealtimes, which are important for managing the May blues.
    1. Reduces decision fatigue: By having a pre-determined schedule, individuals can avoid the mental strain of constantly making decisions, which can contribute to feeling overwhelmed.

“By creating a consistent routine, you reduce the amount of decision-making you have to do. You no longer have to decide when and where to work out, what to eat for breakfast, or how to spend your evenings. You just follow the same pattern you’ve established.”

James Clear “Atomic Habits

It can be easy to become consumed by the negative emotions and feelings of malaise that accompany the male blues. But it is important to remember that amidst the difficulties, there are opportunities to find joy, purpose and a renewed sense of well-being.

In addition to stress management techniques, cognitive-behavioural strategies, boundaries, and self-compassion, creating a routine and engaging in activities that bring you genuine happiness and fulfillment can help combat the May blues. These could be anything from pursuing a creative hobby, such as painting and writing, to immersing yourself in nature via hikes or a leisurely stroll. Prioritizing these activities that bring us joy helps counteract the feelings of lethargy and disengagement characterized by the May blues.

Setting goals and discovering a sense of purpose in your life can be powerful tools to add to your toolbox. Whether it’s a professional objective, a personal development milestone, or a community service project, having something to work towards can provide direction and motivation. As you progress towards these goals, you’ll experience a boost of self-esteem and a renewed sense of meaning. 

Finally, incorporating gratitude can be a transformative tool. By consistently focusing on the positive aspects of your life, even during challenging times, you can shift your perspective and cultivate a more optimistic outlook. This could involve a gratitude journal, expressing appreciation to a loved one, or simply taking a moment each day to reflect on two things you are grateful for. 

As we navigate May’s challenges, it’s important to remember that we do not have to face these difficulties alone. Seeking professional support and cultivating a solid support system can be invaluable in managing this transitional period’s emotional and psychological impact.  

When the May blues become overwhelming, it is crucial to recognize the importance of seeking professional support. Reaching out to a therapist can provide a safe and confidential space to explore the underlying causes of your emotional experience and develop personalized coping strategies.  Mental health professionals can offer guidance, tools and resources to help you navigate this challenging time. 

Equally important is the role of your loved ones in supporting your mental health and well-being. Encouraging open communication with friends and family about your emotional state can help alleviate feelings of isolation and provide a sense of community. Your support system can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on and practical assistance in managing the demands you’re feeling. 

Remember, reaching out is a sign of strength, not of weakness. By acknowledging you need support and taking the necessary steps to access it, you can empower yourself and emerge with a renewed sense of well-being and resilience. 

References

Breaking the Burnout Cycle

March is Mental Health Month, making it an opportune time to raise awareness about the significance of mental well-being and the detrimental effects of burnout on mental health.

Burnout is something we all face in today’s fast-paced world. It is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Ignoring burnout can have severe consequences for both our psychological and physical health. It can lead to issues with work performance, puts a strain on relationships, and can even lead to long-term health issues. By acknowledging and addressing burnout proactively, individuals can prevent its detrimental effects and improve their overall well-being.

In this blog, we will explore the causes of burnout, how to recognize its symptoms, and practical tips to prevent and manage burnout effectively. Additionally, we will discuss the importance of self-care, setting boundaries, seeking support, and finding a healthy work-life balance to combat burnout successfully. Join us on this journey to understand burnout better and learn how to prioritize your well-being.

Burnout will happen to everyone at some point in their lives. Think about it: working and constantly overworking, helping others, taking care of our families, and attending social events. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained, unable to keep up with all the demands of life. Sometimes, we need to be more relaxed and remember to take a step back and rest. This is often when burnout occurs. 

Burnout is more than just feeling tired or stressed; it’s a complete physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. You may need help to engage in activities you used to enjoy.  You may also find yourself no longer caring about things that are important to you or an increased sense of hopelessness similar to depression.  Understanding the signs of burnout is important for early intervention and prevention.  

Physical Symptoms Emotional Symptoms Behavioural Symptoms
Headaches
 Upset Stomach 
Intestinal Issues 
Fatigue
 Frequent Illness
Changes in appetite/ Sleep 
Helplessness 
Cynicism
 Sense of failure
Self-doubt 
Decrease in satisfaction 
Detachment 
Feeling alone in the world. 
Loss of motivation 
Reduce performance in everyday tasks
 Withdrawal or isolation
 Procrastination
 Outbursts
 Coping with substances. 

Factors That Can Contribute to Burnout. 

Lifestyle Cases Work-Related CausesPersonality Traits 
Working without much socializing or relaxing
Lacking supportive relationships 
Not enough help
To many responsibilities 
Lacking sleep 
No or little control over work
 Lack of recognition
 Demanding job expectations
 Unchallenging or Monotonous work 
Chaotic and/or high-pressure environments. 
Perfectionist Tendencies 
 Pessimistic view of yourself and the world
Need to be in control
 High achieving nature/drive. 

Impact of Burnout on mental health 

As mentioned earlier, burnout can have a pretty significant impact on someone’s mental health and well-being. Burnout increases the risk of depression and anxiety, and this can lead to feelings of detachment and cynicism. It can also impair cognitive functioning and decision-making abilities and significantly strain relationships in both personal and work environments.  

Knowing the signs, causes, and consequences of burnout is crucial. It helps us recognize when we are at risk so that we can take proactive steps to prevent or address burnout in the best way possible.  

This leads us to the next section of this blog. If you are worried that you may be at risk for experiencing Burnout or are actively experiencing burnout, what strategies can help?  

Pushing through the exhaustion and continuing as ‘normal’ may be something you feel like you have to do, but it will only cause you further emotional and physical damage. Now is the best time to pause and see what changes you can implement to help you overcome burnout and feel healthy and positive. 

“It’s always been implied that if you fail to succeed, you aren’t passionate enough. But I no longer invest in work emotionally. It isn’t worth it. I learned that every single person is expendable. None of it is fair or based on passion or merit. I don’t have the bandwidth to play that game.”

― Anne Helen Petersen, Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation

Addressing burnout requires a holistic approach involving individual actions and organizational support. Self-care, setting boundaries, seeking support and finding balance. Below are some strategies that may help you enhance your mental health and prevent the negative impacts of burnout. 

Self-care and Stress Management 

  • Prioritizing your well-being through activities such as exercise, meditation and hobbies. 
  • Embrace mindfulness practices to help you reduce your stress and promote relaxation. 
  • Make sure to get enough rest and sleep to rejuvenate you mentally and physically. If you struggle with sleep, take a look at the importance of sleep hygiene for some tips that can help you get better quality sleep. 

Set Boundaries and Manage Your Time.

  • Learn to delegate tasks and say no to additional responsibilities to avoid overwhelming yourself. 
  • Efficiently manage time by prioritizing takes and avoiding too much multitasking. Some things can wait a few days.
  • Establish clear boundaries between your work and your personal life. Contrary to what your work may have you believe, you don’t always need to feel like you have to be working or achieving something to be successful.  

Finding a Work-Life Balance 

  • Strive for harmony in your work-life balance. Create realistic expectations for work commitments.  
  • Take regular breaks throughout your day to help prevent mental fatigue and maintain a good level of productivity. 
  • Life is more than work. Engage in fulfilling activities outside of work to promote joy and overall well-being.  

Seak Support  and Build Resistance 

  • Participate in activities that foster social connection and a sense of community for mental well-being. 
  • Cultivate resilience by developing healthy coping mechanisms for stressors and inevitable setbacks.
  • Reach out to loved ones, friends or professionals for emotional support during challenging times. 

Incorporating healthy coping mechanisms into your daily life is instrumental when facing challenges like chronic stress and emotional exhaustion.  You may wonder about healthy coping mechanisms and how to build your toolbox so you always have the right tools for the job. Here are some effective strategies to help you navigate some more difficult times. 

Mindfulness and Meditation 

  • Mindfulness is the practice of “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally” (Jon Kababt-Zinn). Focusing on the present moment can reduce stress.
  •  Practicing meditation can help enhance your focus, relaxation, and emotional regulation.

Exercise and Physical Activity 

  • It’s important to incorporate regular exercise into your routine. Exercise has been known to increase your mood, reduce anxiety, and help improve overall well-being. 
  • Try your best to stay active throughout your day—activities like walking, yoga, or dancing release endorphins and combat stress. 

Journaling and Self-Reflection 

  • Keeping a journal can help you express thoughts and emotions so that you don’t have to dwell on them, especially around bedtime. It also allows you to reflect on daily experiences. 
  • Self-reflection is important for introspection and personal growth and helps one gain insight into one’s mental state. 

Incorporating these coping mechanisms into your daily routine can help you manage stress proactively, enhance self-awareness, and promote mental well-being. Remember that seeking support is a sign of strength and a proactive step toward maintaining a healthy mind and body.

Therapy can be instrumental in addressing and managing the symptoms of burnout by providing you with the tools and support to navigate this difficult experience. With the help of a Psychotherapist, you can:

  1. Learn to Identify and Address Symptoms: Therapy can help you recognize the signs and symptoms of burnout, such as emotional exhaustion, irritability, and physical ailments, allowing for early intervention and prevention.
  2. Develop Coping Strategies: A therapist can help you develop some of the coping strategies listed above to manage stress, help you identify and set boundaries, and prioritize self-care.
  3. Enhance Your Self-Awareness: Therapy promotes self-awareness and helps you understand triggers, boundaries, and needs. It also enables you to make informed decisions to help protect your mental health.
  4. Build Your Resistance: Building resilience helps you navigate challenges and bounce back from setbacks. It also allows you to maintain a healthy perspective when stressors arise. 
  5. They Promote Self-Care: A therapist can guide you in implementing self-care practices tailored to your specific needs, such as some of the practices mentioned above, and can help you incorporate them into your daily life. 
  6. They Provide Emotional Support: Therapy is a safe space to express your feelings, concerns, and struggles without judgment. This helps build emotional support and validation during times of burnout.  

Leverage the support and guidance of therapy to help you if you are experiencing burnout symptoms or what helps prevent it. With the help of a therapist you can gain valuable insights, develop coping mechanisms and work to restore balance and well-being into your life. 

“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”

-Thanos: Avengers: Infinity War
References

Pugh, M. W. D. M. (2023, August 17). Burnout | Psychology Tools. Psychology Tools. https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/burnout/

Signs you might be experiencing a burnout and how to regain balance in your life. (2023, September). Darling Downs Health. https://www.darlingdowns.health.qld.gov.au/about-us/our-stories/feature-articles/signs-you-might-be-experiencing-a-burnout-and-how-to-regain-balance-in-your-life

Smith, M., MA. (2024, February 5). Burnout prevention and treatment. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm

WebMD Editorial Contributors. (2020, December 4). Burnout: symptoms and signs. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/burnout-symptoms-signs#1-1

Untangling the Web of Relationships: A Mini-Series: Part 3: Insecure Attachment

I probably don’t need to reiterate this, but relationships are complex and often challenging to navigate on a good day. An insecure attachment style can significantly impact relationships, making that complexity and challenge even more apparent. This leads to difficulties in making deep emotional connections, fear of abandonment, struggles with emotional regulation, depression, and low self-worth. In this part of the mini-series, we will explore the three main types of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, how they may impact you and your relationship, and how speaking with a therapist may be able to help. 

Our attachment style plays a vital role in our relationships. Have you asked yourself why you keep repeating behaviours or notice an unhelpful pattern in your relationships, even with different partners? 

In the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller the authors explore three main styles of insecure attachment: Anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness. Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with intimacy and a need for independence, often pushing people away. Disorganized attachment combines traits of anxious and avoidant styles, leading to unpredictable behaviours in relationships.

Anxious Attachment Avoidant Attachment Disorganized 
Clingy tendencies
Highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
Needing approval from others
Jealous tendencies Difficulty being alone
Low self-esteem
Feeling unworthy of love
Intense fear of rejection
Significant fear of abandonment
Difficulty trusting others
Avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy
A strong sense of independence
Difficulty expressing feelings
Dismissive of others
Hard time trusting people
Feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you
Spend more time alone than interacting with others
Believe you don’t need others in your life
“Commitment Issues“
Fear of rejection
Difficulty in regulating emotions
Contradictory behaviors
High levels of anxiety
Difficulty trusting others
Signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles

Each attachment style affects relationships differently. While someone with an Anxious attachment style may have a deep desire for closeness and excessive reassurance. Someone who is avoidant often struggles with emotional intimacy and tends to push people away.  Alternatively, someone with a disorganized attachment style is a bit more confusing. Both pushing people away and, at the same time, desiring closeness. 

Whatever category of attachment style you find yourself in, insecure attachment takes an emotional toll on both partners. Those with anxious attachment often will experience heightened levels of anxiety, fear of abandonment and low sense of self-worth. Individuals with avoidant attachment struggle with intimacy, suppress their emotions and find it hard to ask for help. All of which lead to misunderstanding, conflict and a lack of fulfillment in relationships. 

 all three create a cycle of negative behaviours. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style who is excessively clingy and demanding reassurance and attention may overwhelm their partners and cause them to withdraw. This in turn feeds into their anxiety and anxious behaviours. Someone who has an avoidant attachment style alternative may be reluctant to let people get too close, which can lead their partners to pursue them, which also reinforces their avoidant behaviours  Those with disorganized attachment tend to be a bit more unpredictable and contradictory in their actions which makes their partners confused and distressed. 

These behaviours lead to a lack of trust, difficulty forming and maintaining intimacy, frequent misunderstandings, and emotional instability. The cycle of seeking reassurance, distancing, and unpredictable behaviours can create a persistent pattern of instability and emotional distress, making it challenging to build a healthy and secure relationship.

“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.”

― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

If you want to achieve a positive outcome in your relationship and no longer repeat patterns of unhealthy behaviour caused by your attachment style, attending therapy may help. By learning to regulate your emotions better, improving communication skills, increasing your sense of self-worth and building trust in others, you may see a shift in your attachment style.

Attachments often develop early in life and remain stable throughout our lives. However, this doesn’t mean they can not change to a more secure form of attachment. In order to make this chance you may need to develop or improve your self-awareness and an understanding of what that negative pattern of behaviour looks like and implement ways to resolve attachment issues. 

Remember you’re not alone in this journey; By attending therapy you can:

  1. Learn About Your Attachment Style: Understanding your attachment style is the first step. Identify the associated thoughts and behaviours to work towards a secure attachment.
  2. Increase Emotional Awareness: Managing and expressing emotions effectively enhances empathy and fosters secure attachments.
  3. Learn to Communicate Openly and Listen Empathetically: Express hopes, fears, and concerns respectfully. Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact and nodding, is equally important.
  4. Act Opposite to Your Anxious or Avoidant Style: Challenge your attachment style by taking small steps towards independence or intimacy, depending on your specific pattern.
  5. Minimize Stressors: Commit to self-care, address conflicts early, and engage in calming activities to reduce stress and its impact on attachment issues.

In addition to learning more about yourself and the cycle of patterns therapy can help with providing practical strategies that can help foster healthier relationships.

You will be able to learn things such as:

  1. Setting Aside Regular Time for Reflection: Reflect on how you and your partner can help each other feel respected, understood, and loved to deepen intimacy.
  2. What Healthy Relationships Look Like: Surround yourself with individuals in healthy relationships to learn from their behaviours and set appropriate boundaries in your partnerships.
  3. How to Minimize Stressors: Commit to self-care, address conflicts early, and engage in calming activities to reduce stress and its impact on attachment issues.
  4. Increasing Emotional Awareness: Managing and expressing emotions effectively enhances empathy and fosters secure attachments.
  5. How to Communicate Openly and Listen Empathetically: Express hopes, fears, and concerns respectfully. Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact and nodding, is equally important.

Therapy can be an effective tool in addressing and healing insecure attachment by providing a supportive and compassionate environment to explore and understand your attachment patterns. Attachment-based therapy aims to build or rebuild a trusting relationship. and hopes to prevent and/or treat mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression. 

Individuals learn to develop a secure attachment style by addressing past traumas, promoting self-compassion, and enhancing communication skills, ultimately leading to a more secure and stable sense of self and improved interpersonal connections

Don’t forget to check out Part 1 of this Untangling the Web of Relationships: Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

Don’t forget to check out Part 2 of this Mini-Series. Untangling the Web of Relationships: Resentment

References

Choosing Therapy. (2023, December 21). Attachment-Based therapy: How it works, techniques, & effectiveness. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/attachment-based-therapy/

Kadir, N. B. A. (2017). Insecure attachment. In Springer eBooks (pp. 1–8). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_2025-1

Lmft, M. F. L. (2022, December 5). Coping with an insecure attachment style. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/marriage-insecure-attachment-style-2303303

Mandriota, M. (2021, October 13). Here is how to identify your attachment style. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships#secure-attachment

mindbodygreen. (2022, August 23). Do you have an insecure attachment style? What it means + How to heal. Mindbodygreen. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/insecure-attachment-style

Psychology Today. (222 C.E., July 28). Attachment-Based Therapy. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapy-types/attachment-based-therapy

Robinson, L., Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. and Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., Segal, J., Ph. D., & Jaffe, J., Ph. D. (2024, January 8). Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships. HelpGuide.org.

Team. (2023, July 29). Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships – Complete guide. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Untangling the Web of Relationships: Part 2 Resentment

Imagine a scenario where resentment festers, anxiety thrives, and attachment feel insecure. Depending on the context of your relationships, this may be easy to imagine.  Relationships are the tapestry that interweaves our lives, shapes our experiences and influences our emotional well-being. However, as cracks appear, it is important to recognize the underlying issues contributing to our relationships’ disharmony. Throughout this article, we will begin to examine the intricate world of relationships. Exploring the challenges that resentment, anxiety and insecure attachment pose. By understanding their effect and implementing strategies toward growth, we can foster healthier connections and embark on the path toward fulfillment and emotional security. 

Take a moment to reflect: On a scale from 1 – 10, where 1 is not satisfied, and 10 is satisfied, how satisfied are you in your relationships?

Understanding Resentment. 

So, what is resentment? Well, resentment is a complex emotion often defined as anger and indignation due to unfair treatment. In a relationship, it can stem from various causes, such as unmet expectations. Lack of support, unresolved conflicts. And perceived injustice. It can have detrimental effects, leading to communication breakdowns, emotional distance, and a decline in relationship satisfaction. It erodes trust and intimacy, creating a toxic environment that hinders personal and relational growth.

Signs of Resentment. 

Recognizing signs of resentment in a relationship is crucial for addressing and overcoming this complex emotion. Several signs can indicate its presence, including:

  1. Unresolved Arguments: When one partner continues to do things that bother the other despite being told otherwise.
  2. Lack of Attention: Feeling ignored or unappreciated, leading to the buildup of resentment.
  3. Overthinking the Relationship: Constantly reflecting on and feeling detached from the relationship.
  4. Constant Arguments: Engaging in frequent and unresolved conflicts.
  5. Emotional Distance: Feeling disconnected from your partner and experiencing a lack of intimacy.
  6. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Behaving in a subtly hostile manner towards your partner.
  7. Holding Grudges: Inability to let go of past grievances and holding onto negative feelings.
  8. Feeling Invisible or Inadequate: Engaging with people or places that remind you of past mistreatment leads to feelings of invisibility or inadequacy.
  9. Inability to Let Go of Anger: Difficulty in letting go of anger and a strong desire for revenge.

Recognizing these signs and addressing them through open communication and, if needed, professional help is essential for preventing its negative impact on relationships.

 It is essential to understand and address resentment, which is crucial for personal well-being and healthy relationships. It involves taking responsibility for one’s emotions and recognizing that resentment is often rooted in internal struggles rather than external circumstances.

Therapy can be instrumental in helping individuals deal with feelings of resentment. Here are some ways in which therapy can assist in addressing and overcoming those feelings

  1. Identifying Root Causes: A licensed therapist can help individuals identify the underlying causes of their resentment, whether it stems from past experiences, unmet expectations, or ongoing conflicts.
  2. Cognitive-behavioural Tools: Cognitive-behavioral therapy offers tools to assess the thoughts behind resentment, helping individuals decide whether these thoughts are accurate and helpful.
  3. Self-Expression and Communication: Therapy provides a safe space for individuals to express their emotions and learn effective communication strategies to address and resolve their feelings of resentment
  4. Perspective Checking: Therapists can guide individuals in seeing the situation from different angles, which can help in reducing feelings of mistreatment and fostering empathy
  5. Addressing Deep-Seated Pain: Therapy can help individuals identify the pain or wounds hidden under resentment and work through them, ultimately helping to let go of grudges and bitterness.

By working with a therapist, individuals can gain valuable insights, develop coping strategies, and ultimately find healing and resolution for their feelings of resentment.

If you feel as though this could be something that helps you and your relationship, please feel free to book a consultation today.

“Anger cannot be overcome by anger. If someone is angry with you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. On the other hand, if you control your anger and show its opposite – love compassion, tolerance, and patience – not only will you remain peaceful but the other person’s anger will also diminish.”

Dalai Lama

Don’t forget to check out Part 1 of this Untangling the Web of Relationships: Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

References

BetterHelp Editorial Team. (2023, December 6). Managing your resentment | BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/how-therapists-define-resentment-and-help-you-deal-with-it/

Elyassaki, I. (2022, May 27). 7 Signs of resentment in relationships. Naya Clinics. https://www.nayaclinics.com/post/7-signs-of-resentment-in-relationships

Learning to Love Your Resentment | Conscious Leadership Group blog. (n.d.). https://conscious.is/blogs/learning-to-love-your-resentment

Mager, D. (2017, January). 8 Strategies to work through anger and Resentment. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/some-assembly-required/201701/8-strategies-work-through-anger-and-resentment

Resentment – GoodTherapy.org therapy blog. (2019, March 5). GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/resentment

Understanding resentment. (n.d.). MentalHelp.net. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/understanding-resentment

WebMD Editorial Contributors. (2020, November 25). Signs of resentment. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-resentment

Untangling the Web of Relationships: Part 1 Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships

So you may be asking yourself, ‘What is a healthy relationship, and how do I know if I am in one?’

Many of us have never experienced a healthy relationship, or a relationship we thought was healthy turned out to be unhealthy or abusive. 

In the book “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller and Daniel Perlman and the concept of attachment theory, healthy relationships are categorized by several essential qualities that contribute to their strength and longevity.

  1. Trust: Trust forms the foundation of a healthy relationship. It involves having confidence in your partner’s reliability, integrity, and intentions.
  2. Respect: Mutual respect is essential, encompassing the appreciation of each other’s individuality, boundaries, and opinions.
  3. Effective Communication: Open and honest communication is vital for understanding each other’s needs, expressing emotions, and resolving conflicts.
  4. Intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy foster a deep connection and vulnerability within the relationships.
  5. Friendship: A strong friendship forms the basis of a healthy romantic relationship involving companionship, shared interests, and laughter.
  6. Commitment: Both partners are dedicated to the relationship’s growth and well-being, demonstrating loyalty and perseverance.
  7. Healthy Conflict Resolution: Constructive conflict resolution involves addressing differences respectfully and seeking mutually beneficial solutions.
  8. Flexibility: Being adaptable and open to change contributes to the relationship’s resilience and growth.
  9. Enjoyment: Sharing joy, fun, and laughter strengthens the bond between partners.
  10. Attachment Security: Drawing from attachment theory. A secure attachment style promotes a sense of safety, closeness, and comfort within the relationship.

If your relationship is struggling in some of these areas, it by no means means you are in an unhealthy relationship. However, these might be areas that need work. 

By integrating these qualities into our relationships, we can cultivate a robust and enduring bond that thrives on trust, respect, communication, and mutual support. These qualities help foster healthy and fulfilling relationships, providing a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of intimate connections.

According to the Gottman Institute, which is known for its extensive research on relationships, unhealthy relationships can be characterized by ongoing negative interactions, which are a red flag that couples(friends and family as well) are edging towards divorce, separation or breakups.  The Gottman Institute also highlights that unhealthy power dynamics in a relationship, particularly in the decision-making, can also lead to resentment and divorce, separation or breakups, highlighting the importance of balance in relationships for overall well-being. 

Further, Gottman’s Method sheds some light on the pursuer-distancer pattern, which can also be a red flag for unhealthy dynamics. This involves one partner pursuing closeness and resolution during conflicts while the other person prefers to distance themselves. Being able to recognize this pattern can help to foster healthier communication and conflict resolution within the relationship. 

“great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.”

― John M. Gottman,

Signs of Unhealthy Relationships.

It is crucial to distinguish between what is a healthy relationship, what is an unhealthy relationship, and what is an abusive relationship. By being able to recognize the signs of unhealthy and abusive relationships, we can take the first steps toward making an informed choice. 

Unhealthy relationships can manifest in many forms, including controlling behaviours, mistrust, disrespect and poor communication. It is important to be aware of these signs to help you protect yourself and your well-being.

Some examples of emotional signs that a relationship may be unhealthy include: 

  1. Frequent Disrespect: Unhealthy relationships are often marked by frequent disrespect, where one or both partners consistently undermine the other’s feelings, opinions, or boundaries
  2. Lack of Trust: Trust can lead to insecurity and hiding things from your partner. This can create a toxic environment within the relationship.
  3. Consistent Negativity: Unhealthy relationships can be characterized by a consistent negative atmosphere, where criticism, pessimism, and hostility prevail, leading to emotional distress.
  4. Manipulation: Emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or controlling behaviour, can erode the trust and well-being of one or both partners.
  5. Intense Mood Swings: Unpredictable behaviours and frequent ups and downs can create an environment where one feels the need to walk on eggshells around their partner, leading to emotional exhaustion and dissatisfaction.
  6. Extreme Jealousy or Insecurity: Feelings of extreme jealousy or insecurity can lead to controlling behaviours, isolation, and emotional distress within the relationship.
  7. Explosive Temper: Uncontrollable anger and explosive temper can create an emotionally volatile and unsafe environment within the relationship.
  8. Reproductive Control: Reproductive control, such as pressuring a partner to get pregnant or controlling decisions about pregnancy and parenting, can be a form of emotional abuse and control.



Unhealthy to Healthy Relationships

Therapy can play a crucial role in healing from an unhealthy relationship by providing individuals with the support, guidance, and tools needed to break free from unhealthy relationship cycles and foster emotional well-being. Below are some ways that therapy can aid in the healing process.

  • Self-Discovery and Growth: Therapy allows individuals to explore their values, needs, and beliefs, fostering self-discovery and personal growth.
  • Identifying Unhealthy Attachment Styles: A mental health professional can help individuals identify their attachment style, providing insight into how their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours may impact their relationships.
  • Improving Communication: Through therapy, individuals can develop and practice effective communication skills, which are essential for addressing challenges within relationships and creating a safe and supportive environment.
  • Breaking Free from Toxic Cycles: Therapy empowers individuals to become aware of and be held accountable for their relationship patterns, allowing them to break free from hurtful cycles that may be rooted in past trauma.
  • Recovering from Emotional Distress: Seeking help from a mental health professional can aid in recovering from the emotional distress caused by a toxic relationship, ultimately improving mental well-being and reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

“A healthy relationship is a feast of affection/giving for both people; not one receiving crumbs and trying to convince themselves it’s enough.”

– Shannon Thomas

By engaging in therapy, individuals can embark on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and personal growth, ultimately paving the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

References

BetterHelp Editorial Team. (2024, January 31). Top 10 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships | BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/top-10-characteristics-of-healthy-relationships/

Casabianca, S. S. (2022, April 18). Have an unhealthy attachment to your partner? Healing is possible. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/healing-unhealthy-relationship-attachments

Commonwealth of Massachusetts. (n.d.-a). What does an unhealthy relationship look like? Mass.gov. https://www.mass.gov/info-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships

Commonwealth of Massachusetts. (n.d.-b). What does an unhealthy relationship look like? Mass.gov. https://www.mass.gov/info-details/recognizing-the-signs-of-unhealthy-relationships

Gautam, S. (2023, July 22). Healthy Relationships vs Unhealthy: 6 Ways How Your Relationships Affect Your Health – Written By Shweta. Written By Shweta. https://writtenbyshweta.com/healthy-relationships-vs-unhealthy/

Horsmon, S., & Horsmon, S. (2021, February 3). How to avoid the Pursuer-Distancer pattern in your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-avoid-the-pursuer-distancer-pattern-in-your-relationship/

MSEd, K. C. (2023, November 9). Signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and what to do. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-that-youre-in-an-unhealthy-relationship-5218237

Unhealthy relationships. (n.d.). Planned Parenthood. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-makes-relationship-unhealthy

Viezzer, S. (2023, December 7). What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

What does a healthy relationship look like? (n.d.). The State of New York. https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look

Don’t forget to check out Part 2 of this Mini-Series. Untangling the Web of Relationships: Part 2 Resentment