The Importance of Healthy Boundaries

Signs You May Need Healthy Boundaries

Do you struggle with setting healthy boundaries? How often do you find yourself feeling anxious about all the things you need to do? Does it feel like so many things are competing for your attention, like family obligations, social events, work or school deadlines, chores, community events and, of course, looking after your self-care? Before the day starts, are you exhausted thinking about everything you need to do? Do you find yourself feeling resentful? Like you’ve been mistreated, and you’re rejecting or pushing your needs, wants and desires to the back burner. Is it a struggle for you to just say  “no”?

If some of these are true, you might struggle with boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is often the solution to feeling less overwhelmed and overburdened.

What are Healthy Boundaries?

Since many of us weren’t taught healthy boundaries as children, teens or young adults, let’s start with what boundaries are. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and other people. Ultimately, boundaries may differ from one individual to the next and may be impacted by culture, personality, and social construct. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. Boundaries can even differ by situation; boundaries you have at work may not apply when enjoying a night out with friends. 

It is our way of protecting our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Boundaries help us establish a sense of control over our lives and help us communicate our needs and values assertively and transparently. In doing so, we can establish trust and safety in our relationships. It is a way of telling ourselves and others, “This is the line between what is okay for me and what is not. This is the line I won’t cross”. We set boundaries to show love and respect for ourselves, and they keep us safe and healthy and ensure that our lives run smoothly.

The Different Types of Boundaries. 

Those who have rigid boundaries tend to appear highly inflexible, unyielding and absolute. There tends to be a struggle with feeling disconnected and isolated from others. Individuals with rigid boundaries try to avoid situations or people in case they cause discomfort or conflict. 

Porous boundaries are characterized by being too open and unrestrictive. Those with porous boundaries tend to have a higher dependency on others and struggle with feelings of burnout, anxiety and the need to please others. Porous Boundaries can result in oversharing and overinvolvement with others and can make it difficult to distinguish one’s emotions from another person’s. 

Someone with healthy boundaries is able to say “no” when they need to without feeling shame or guilt. They have higher self-esteem and are confident and assertive. They are comfortable letting people in and opening themselves up in intimate and close relationships. 

Traits of Rigid, Porous and Healthy Boundaries

What type of boundaries do you tend to have?

Most people tend to have a mix of these boundaries. Someone could have healthy boundaries at work, porous boundaries in relationships and and mix of all three with family. When you recognize what type of boundaries you have, whether you experience rigid or porous boundaries, you can take steps to establish healthier limits within your relationships. Therapy can help you address any underlying concerns that may be contributing to issues with boundaries. 

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries for Mental Health

“Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else.”

Nedra Glover Tawwab,

In her book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” Nedra Glover  Tawwab explores the importance of setting healthy boundaries For mental health and wellbeing.  Arguing that healthy boundaries help us establish a sense of self and ensure we are acting in accordance with our values and beliefs. They can also protect us from harm and draining situations. By setting and maintaining our boundaries, we experience the freedom and joy of being our true selves and thoroughly enjoy rewarding relationships with family, friends and partners. All of which can positively impact our mental health and overall well-being.   

Through emotional energy conservation, it helps us to be fully present and in the moment with what is important to us. Knowing our boundaries equips us to communicate our needs, set appropriate limits and protect ourselves from situations which might be harmful or draining. 

Boundaries also help us build our self-esteem and independence. This is done by being clear on who you are, what you ant, and your values and beliefs. By taking ownership of your boundaries, you can increase your sense of control, empowerment and self-esteem. Which also leads to feeling more independent and self-assured. 

To foster healthy relationships, boundaries help us to build trust, safety and respect. When we have clear boundaries, the people we want in our lives, those who respect us, understand our limits and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Healthy boundaries also help us avoid burnout and gain a stronger identity. 

By prioritizing self-care and self-respect, we can be more present with those important to us because we feel comfortable and safe. Healthy boundaries also help us limit feelings of unhappiness, resentment and insecurity in relationships, feeling taken advantage of and/or losing a sense of identity. 

Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

That was all well and good. The real question is, how do we set and maintain boundaries, especially when it feels uncomfortable like you are letting people down?

“Discomfort is a part of the process.”

Nedra Glover Tawwab,

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can be challenging, that’s for sure especially when it involves family or close friends.  In the book “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships” Tawwab offers some practical strategies for dealing with toxic family dynamics and ways to successfully disconnect from that person if/when you choose to. Such as……

Tawwabs other book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” she presents some simple yet powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in many areas of your life. There is an emphasis on identifying your needs and clearly expressing them in a way that is without apology.  Suggesting that we can say “no” when we need to be assertive without offending others. 

In the book “How To Do The Work” Dr. Nicole LePera shares with the reader that self-awareness is essential when setting and maintaining boundaries. Suggesting that we pay attention to our emotions and physical sensations to identify when our boundaries are crossed. 

Tips on Identifying Your Boundaries

Identifying your boundaries can be challenging. However, it is an essential step in setting and maintaining healthy relationships. Working with a therapist can help you to learn to tune into your emotions, ask you questions, observe others’ boundaries, practice self-awareness and understand what your own values and needs are, which are essential in understanding what healthy boundaries look like for you. Healthy boundaries are not set in stone; they can be adjusted as circumstances and relationships change and grow.

Here are some tips you can do now to help you identify your boundaries. 

1. Tuning into your emotions is one of the strongest ways to understand your boundaries. Pay attention to how to feel in different situations, for example when someone criticizes you or when you feel uncomfortable with physical contact. Emotions can help you distinguish what is okay and what isn’t. 
2. Ask questions to understand your personal boundaries. Questions such as “What makes me feel uncomfortable?” or “What are my deal-breakers in relationships?” identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is one of the first steps in developing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. 
3. Observing other people’s boundaries can give you an example of boundaries you might like to set. Talking with friends who have boundaries you admire or who have different boundaries can help know what boundaries might work for you. But remember not to compare yourself. We are all on different journeys. 
4. Practicing self-awareness is another key factor in understanding your boundaries. Try paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations and be honest. The more honest you are with yourself, your boundaries will be clearer. 
5. Understanding your values and needs can help you get a sense of your personal boundaries. By understanding your core values and needs, you can create boundaries based on what is central to you and how you need to be treated by those most important to you.

The Role of Therapy in Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Knowing that setting and maintaining your boundaries can be difficult to do independently. Therapy can be a helpful tool for those who struggle to understand, set and maintain healthy boundaries.  

1. Working with a therapist can help you identify your needs and values, essential in developing healthy boundaries. Understanding your needs and values allows you to establish boundaries aligning with your goals. 
2. Therapy can also help you develop assertiveness skills for communicating your boundaries. Therapists can help you communicate your needs and boundaries clearly, confidently and with limited shame or guilt, such as “I feel ___ when ____” or “I need ____ from you right now.” 
3. Therapists can help you explore any concerns contributing to boundary issues, such as low self-esteem, anxiety or trauma. By addressing these concerns, you can develop more confidence and self-awareness needed to set healthy boundaries.
4. Therapy also provides support and guidance as you navigate challenges when setting boundaries with family members or in workplaces. Therapists can offer practical strategies and tools for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries as well as provide validation and emotional support.

It’s Okay to Reach Out.

If you have trouble saying no, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries or need help, contact a mental health professional. Navigating boundaries alone can be challenging, especially if you struggle with mental health or have people who consistently cross boundaries.

References